The Girl I Once Was, Broken By Fear Of Myself. This Sad Twisted Story Is One I Will Never Get Over, And We Haunt Me Forver. I Still Fear Now, That One Day, I Will Be A Vitciim Again.

In Rememberance To 3 Years, I Have Deceied To Publish This Blog, To Inform People How A Joke Can Ruin Lives. I Have Been Thinking Alot About My Past Experiences This Last Week, And Have Been Feeling Rather Down 'Cos Of Them.By Publishing This, I Experience The Feeling Of Security, And The Feeling I Am Trying To Help People In My Situation.

As I Started Secondary School In Year 7, I Was A Happy Girl Without A Care In The World. Always Smiling, Just How I Am Today. I Was Happily Enjoying My Time At School, I Had So Many Friends, A Boyfriend And Was Getting High Grades. I Used To Enjoy The Subject Of 'Drama'. We Would Always Perform Short Plays About Something Or Another. I Regret To Say This, But I Used To Hang Out With The 'Popular Kids' At That Point Of Time. I Always Had To Be Centre Of Attenion, I Had So Much Confidence In Myself.

A Few Weeks Into The First Term, My Best Friends Were 'Elisia' And 'Carrie-Anne'. But One Day In PE, I Fell Out With Them. I Cannot Remember The Reason, But It Was Something Really Stupid And Small. I Got Over The Fact That They Wern't Talking To Me, And Started To Hang Around With A Girl Called 'Samantha'. We Hung Around Together For A While, And Became Really Close. Until One Day She Abonded Me, And By That Time 'Elisia' And 'Carrie-Anne' Had Turned All My Other Friends Against Me. So I Had No One. I Sat By Myself In Class, I Had No Friends What So Ever In The Entire School. I Would Come Into Tutor Crying Everyday, No One Was There To Comfort Me, Tell Me Everything Was Ok. I Used To Put Up With My Old Freinds Making Fun Of Me, It Felt Like Someone Has Torn My Heart Out My Body And Broke It Into Two Halves. Only If I Knew Then That Things Would Get Worse...

The Emontional Bullying Was Getting Worse And Worse. I Hated Simple Things, Like Lining Up For A Class, 'Cos Everyone Would Be Talking To Their Friends, While I Was Stood There, By Myself. I Used To Get Called 'Ugly' And 'Worthless' Every Day. I Felt So Much Of An Outsider, And The Worse Thing Was No-One Was There For Me. I Couldn't Even Stick Up For Myself, 'Cos The School I Went To Was Very Rough, And Was Full Of People Who Crave To Be 'Gangster' . They Would Wait For Any Excuse Possible To Put Someone In Hospital. One Day In English, I Sat Down In My Usal Place. The Teacher Went Out Of The Room And One Of The 'Popular Girls' Came Up To Me And Told Me To Move. I Said 'No' And That It Was My Place, Not Hers. She Didnt Like It, And After About 5 Mins Of Arguing, She Pulled Me Off The Chair. While I Was On The Floor, She Picked Up The Chair, And Threw It At Me. I Ran Out The Classroom, Feeling A Large Amount Of Pain. I Ran To My Head Of Year's Office, Where I Told Him What Had Happened. He Interviewed The Girl That Had Done It, Along With Some Of My Class Mates Which He Used As Witnesses. All Of Them Denieded It. The Whole Of My Class Lied To Cover Up For Her, And Left Me Afraid Of What Was To Happened Next.

I Came Home From School, Bruised And Scared. My Mum Wrote A Letter To The School To Investigate Futher Into What Had Happened. The School Did Nothing. By This Time The Psychical Bulling Got Worse, I Got Pushed Down The Stairs At Least 2 Times A Day, It Was Routine That On The Way Walking Home I Would Get Stoped And Beaten Up By A Massive Gang Of Girls. Being Pulled To The Floor, Then Repeativly Kicked In The Head Was The Thing That Hurt Most. I'm Surprised I Survived It. I Remember In Humanties, The Teacher Went Out The Classroom Once, The Class Got Hyper And For No Reason At All, This One Girl Threw A Metal Desk At Me. I Think It Actaully Knocked Me Out For A Few Seconds. I Was Forvever Getting Beaten Up, I Used To Come Home Bleeding Or With Scars Everyday.

Do You Want To Know The Sickest Thing About This? People Actually Enjoyed Watching This Happen. They Would Chear When I Bled, Or When I Screamed Out In Pain.

By This Point, My Confidence Level Had Dropped. I Hated Myself, And Was A Obsessive Self Harmer. Life Just Wasn't Worth Living. What Kind Of Life Did I Have? None. My Grades Dropped, And I Was Afraid Of Every Humam That Walked The Earth. I Didnt Hardly Talk To My Parents, I Was Even Afraid Of Them. I Wouldn't Speak To Anyone For A While, I Was So Afraid. I Hated Everyone, Including Myself. I Would Look At The Mirror For Hours On End And Would Ask The Question, 'Why Me?'. Why Was I The Target? There Must Be Something About Me That Is Different For People To Pick On Me? After Being Called 'Ugly' And 'Worthless' Over And Over Again, I Started To Believed Them, I Believed That I Had No Point In Being Here, That I Was 'Worthless' And That I Was So Ugly No-One Would Ever Want Me.

The Bullying Just Got Worse, And I Really Couldn't Take It Much Longer. So In Febuary 2002, I Tryed To Kill Myself. I Took About 3 Packets Of Some Strong Painkiller Tablets My Mum Had When She Broke Her Arm. For Some Reason, It Didn't Work And I Hated Myself Even More For It. I Didn't Want To End My Life, Just The Pain. I Wanted To Escape The Constant Violence And Rejection.

Shortly After This, I Met A Girl Called 'Katerine'. She Got Called A 'Geek' Alot, And Experienced Quite A Bit Of Verbal Bullying Herself, But She Is The Nicest Person I Have Ever Met. Shes Helped Me So Much, And If It Wasn't For Her, I Donno If I'd Still Be Alive Today. Sure The Bullying Was Still As Bad, But She Gave Me Hope, And Support. It Helped Me So Much Having Someone To Talk To. Someone To Be There For Me. I Still Hated Myself, But At Least I Had Someone To Care About Me, Which Stopped The Self-Harming.

My Parents Decieded To Move Me Away From There, Give Me A Fresh Start In A New School. So I Moved To 'Frederick Gent School'. Which Was The Best Choice I Have Ever Made. I Was Able To Put The Past Behind Me, And Make New Friends.

But Trust Me, It Wasn't Easy. I Had No Confidence In Which To Make New Friends, I Hardly Every Spoke To Anyone. I Still Had A Fear Of People. And Most Of All, I Still Had So Much Hate For Myself. I Thought I Was So Ugly That People Wouln't Want To Make Friends With Me.

It Took Me 3 Years In Which To Make Me The Confident Person I Am Today. I Still Havn't Quite Got Over The Self-Hatred Yet. What I Have Achieved, Is That I Am Not Afraid Of People No More. Nowdays, I Love Meeting New People. I Have Made Some Excellent Friends Since I Moved Her, And You Can't Even Begin To Pictue How Much I Love Everyone That Calls Me A 'Friend'.

Bullying Destroyed Me, And I Am Very Lucky To Be Where I Am Today. The Point In This Blog, Is For People To Be Aware Of How Bad Bullying Is, Its Not A Bit Of Fun, Its A Serious Matter.

Thank You Very Much For Reading.
Lucy.